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Good evening, Lady of the Snow.
Let me take you by the hand,
lead you out of your palace into this night.
You look at me so tenderly.

This world is grey in gray.
Ice Princess, let's paint it,
let's start a peaceful revolution.
To make this world a better place.

Sing your serenades and
I will paint iceflowers all over the sky.
Changing without bloodspilling,
together with you. Fullfilling my heart's desire.

All sins, all this blood, they are covered in snow.
Forgiving, regretting, not forgetting.
The innocence is calling us all.
Say, didn't we help, Angel?
yo everybody
been a while to post sth good~
i'm quite lazy but since i dont have any tests the next time there'll surely be some more artwork.

:iconthewrittenrevolution:
first of all thanks in advance~
what can i do to create a better atmossphere?
i am definitely not satisfied, but since i'm not a native speaker, i can't really tell
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:iconkassi-kamira:
Kassi-Kamira Featured By Owner Apr 13, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
:iconthewrittenrevolution:

Firstly, I would like to congratulate you on doing such an excellent job of this poem since you are not a native speaker of English.

I would like to point out that the meter may need some adjusting, the syllabry is slightly awkward and sometime jarring.
If you're unsure what I'm talking about, *Penessence has a wonderful explanation on his website here: [link] most of this website is very useful, so you may want to look at other parts of it as well.

The message portrayed by this poem is not really clear, but it remains beautiful nontheless. I like the way in which snow remains a theme throughout. Although I am unsure about the jarring crash-to-reality effect that the mention of the blood creates, I think that it works somehow, particularly as you are speaking of revolution.

Hopefully nothing I have said here has caused offense. I hope that you realise nothing I have written here was intended in a malicious manner.
Reply
:iconshisuiuchiha:
ShisuiUchiha Featured By Owner Apr 15, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Wow. Thank you for doing such an excellent analysis of my poemm. I have to say I feel honored.

If it isn't too much could you point out a certain spot of this akward sillabry
Thank you very mucch for the link. It is very usefull indeed.

No worries. No offense caused here. :)
Reply
:iconkassi-kamira:
Kassi-Kamira Featured By Owner Apr 15, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
You're very welcome.:)

Hmm...well, "lead you out of your palace into this night." seems to me to be a little long. It works with the 'story' of the poem, but not with the structure of the previous lines.
There are a couple of other ones as well, but I don't want to go into too much detail (don't want to cramp your style;))

Good, I'm glad you found it useful.:D And I'm also glad that you didn't take offense, it's happened before.:shrug:
Reply
:iconshisuiuchiha:
ShisuiUchiha Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Okay. Thanks a lot, I'll pay attention to it for my coming poems. :)
Reply
:iconkassi-kamira:
Kassi-Kamira Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
You're welcome.:D
Reply
:iconemo-black-cat:
emo-black-cat Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
LOVE IT! Lots of great symbolism.

Oh yay! Now I can critique you, too!

:iconthewrittenrevolution:

So, again, I love it. In your comments, you say that you aren't satisfied, and I think that's a good thing. After watching you for a while, I've noticed that the pieces you like the least are the ones that I think turn out the best...

Like this one, for example. The way the mention of blood kind of ruins the mood is great, like you crash back into reality. And how the last line is a question... that really adds to the affect, I think.


:+fav:, as always.
Reply
:iconshisuiuchiha:
ShisuiUchiha Featured By Owner Jan 20, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
yays^^

xD they really are?
hmm i didnt see it from this point of view until now...
hoorray and thanks~
Reply
:iconicy-moon-shadow:
icy-moon-shadow Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2010
:iconthewrittenrevolution:

I love the theme and everything, although the blood did feel quite sudden.
Reply
:iconshisuiuchiha:
ShisuiUchiha Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
thanks~
do you have an idea to improve that part?
Reply
:iconmetalmagpie:
MetalMagpie Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
:iconthewrittenrevolution:

I like the theme of snow throughout. A nice poem, especially for not being a native English speaker.

One typo: To make this world a better place.
Reply
:iconshisuiuchiha:
ShisuiUchiha Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
thanks^^

woops - will be immediately corrected
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:iconnekohimeanny:
NekoHimeAnny Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2010
beter place. <- meeep

hübsch :)
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:iconshisuiuchiha:
ShisuiUchiha Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
^^; wird korrigiert
Reply
:iconnekohimeanny:
NekoHimeAnny Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2010
^^
Reply
:iconhellbornscriptures:
HellbornScriptures Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2010  Student Writer
As always the theme is incredible, The introduction of blood was a bit sudden, a slower transition might help that flow, even just a few lines connecting the snow to the world it covers would be good. I love it though. Excellent poem, I took the quiz about love on FB it was interesting using my crappy online translator to answer the questions I still got 100%
Reply
:iconshisuiuchiha:
ShisuiUchiha Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
kay thanks
'll think of it for future poems
(and if i find muse improve it here)

xD that might be a sign ^^
Reply
:iconhellbornscriptures:
HellbornScriptures Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2010  Student Writer
Lolz sounds good.
Reply
:iconshisuiuchiha:
ShisuiUchiha Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
xD indeed
Reply
:iconemperorkarino:
EmperorKarino Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
good job, but this is a bit short.
Reply
:iconshisuiuchiha:
ShisuiUchiha Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
thanks~
i know
but the longer it gets the less people read it sadly
Reply
:iconemperorkarino:
EmperorKarino Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
your welcome, well i will read it no matter how long it is, but if its like over a page it might take me a while. lol. keep up the good work.
Reply
:iconshisuiuchiha:
ShisuiUchiha Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
xD always great to hear such things~
i promise i'll do
Reply
:iconemperorkarino:
EmperorKarino Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
i'm glad it is. cool. :)
Reply
:iconshisuiuchiha:
ShisuiUchiha Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
^^
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